Interview with consulting firm Continuous Problems Corporation CEO Jack Duipesheit



Thank you for joining us today. Can you tell us about yourself and your company?

Sure. We are a profitable business providing consulting services, utilizing strategic partnerships and creating profitable business opportunities for other companies. I go by JD, best and comically known for week long binges hitting the bottle in the meeting room. No, I am not ashamed to admit that.


Well, since we're being open with each other, I'd like to bring to your attention that some people call your business plan "a total crackpot idea, laced with sticky heroin".

Yes, since we've developed such an intuitive procedure, we leave our customers little urge to go anywhere else.


Tell us more about exactly what your company does and how they do it.

The old saying goes "If you aren't part of the solution, there's a sure bet you can make a lot of money prolonging the problem." We exploit that saying for all it's worth. We provide consultants that make the problem far worse. Then once a sufficient amount of money is made, we call in a third party to finish the job.

One of our unique features are the creation of special contracts with our partner business. Different levels of agreements between us and them usually result in a 50-50 split of the profit. We give them business they would not have had previously, and so they are happy to work with us.


Your consultants, what kind of qualifications are they required to have. Obviously you want to keep a good reputation with your clients.

Of course. There was one time when we accidentally hired a guy who'd go in and fix the problem correctly - the first time. I mean, totally following through, with preventive measures. We simply couldn't have that.

See, we have very resourceful consultants. What our consultants do is enter the customer premise with no tools or materials. They complete their portion of the job using McGyver-like tactics, scrounging and rigging until they've exhausted the customer's supplies and there's nothing left to stripmine. That's when we call in our associate consulting company. Usually by that time the original problem has been masked into about 7 other problems. We call it the 'Problem Identification Service', charging a nominal fee for surfacing these unseen, potentially crippling issues.


You can't expect me to believe that your questionable business tactics actually work.

While it is true that our clients end up spending 270% or more on consulting fees than they would elsewhere, they are statistically over 400% happier than when using other "more standard" consultants. Some say this is due to the relief factor after the problem was fixed. Remember, when the system is down, QC goes right out the window.

Also, any of what you call "questionable tactics" are easily unknown to the managers and executives of our clients' companies. Under contract, our customers are absolutely not allowed to interface with our consultants, without the consultant's expressed written permission before confrontation. This allows our consultant to work without distractions, moving freely and plundering any available company resources. Arr.


Well, thank you for your time - J D. Any chance of sitting in one of your meetings? I'm sure it would help our public relations.

Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum. Let's go talk to the Capt'n.


Arr.



Tadau wrote that. Geez.

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